“Upper A, upper A, come down for linen exchange,” the PA squawked. In my room, I watched TV and waited for my wing to be called. My linens – bed sheets and towels – sat folded at the end of my bed. Sometimes we received fluffy soft towels and new sheets. Usually, we received thin scratchy towels and bed sheets with stains.
I went to bed that night with nicer than normal linens, hoping it was a sign of better things to come. I would soon have an exciting new plan to serve others. This opportunity would bring home valuable lessons as I learned the impact of reliability and obedience.
The negative effects of unreliability in a person can be numerous
Is unreliability really a sin?
In years past I had been unreliable. I was often late to arrive, and my cards and gifts were usually belated. Strangely, while I knew this was not good, I didn’t see it as a sin. I had many similar character defects. In my mind these were quirks and nothing serious.
Cognitive Dissonance is the discomfort a person feels when their behavior does not align with their values or beliefs, especially beliefs they hold about themselves. I saw myself as a good person, and my unreliability challenged that belief. To reduce this discomfort, I minimized the importance of my unreliability to align my self-perception with my actions. I had also been in denial of the negative impact this behavior had on myself and others. Downplaying it allowed me to avoid thinking about these things.
The negative effects of unreliability in a person can be numerous, including strained relationships, lowered self-esteem, anxiety, missed opportunities, erosion of trust, guilt and regret. I was experiencing all these things and more.
Have you been unreliable in your own life? Have you experienced unreliability from others? How has that affected you?
Is unreliability a sin? God is described as perfectly reliable. The Bible says in Isaiah 46:
“Yes, I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass; I have purposed it, and I will do it.”
The Bible also says in Numbers:
“God is not a man, that He should tell or act a lie, neither the son of man, that He should feel repentance or compunction [for what He has promised]. Has He said and shall He not do it? Or has He spoken and shall He not make it good?”
What God says, He does. He is not late, and He never changes His mind. So why is it sin if we do not act in a similar way? The Bible explains:
29 For those whom He foreknew, He also destined from the beginning to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness]… Romans 8:29
Being molded into His image means an inward change in character and mindset to more resemble God’s own character, and reliability is an obvious trait we should model.
As I began learning these things a change took place. Accountability began to take shape as I recognized it isn’t merely the admission of wrongdoing (which is all the further some people take accountability). It is analyzing causation to strategize future doing-right. If accountability doesn’t lead to change it is pointless. I admitted my sin and wanted to do better.
Over the past year I’d begun sending students and other inmates birthday cards, sympathy cards and encouraging letters. God used it as an opportunity to teach me about obedience as well as reliability, a gradual and increasing process.
“Yes, I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass; I have purposed it, and I will do it.” Isaiah 46:11b
“God is not a man, that He should tell or act a lie, neither the son of man, that He should feel repentance or compunction [for what He has promised]. Has He said and shall He not do it? Or has He spoken and shall He not make it good?” Numbers 23:19
“For those whom He foreknew, He also destined from the beginning to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness]…” Romans 8:29
It was now the end of September 2016, and I was looking for a way to cheer up. A few days earlier it had been my daughter’s birthday. A day later I lost my parental rights with my youngest son. I didn’t know where my daughter was. Now it seemed I’d be on the same journey with my son Tim.
The next day I sat at work, trying to imagine a positive future. Jasmine, our newest tutor, sat to my left. Suddenly I had an idea! What if I sent everyone a Christmas card? I no longer had direct contact with any of my children. No longer paying for our weekly calls and emails, I had a void in my life and a little bit more money.
Christmas cards for every inmate is a large undertaking, a big commitment of time and money, but now was a good time to do it! Warming to the idea I considered how many cards I would need and realized it would be more than 100.
In addition to time and money there would be other challenges. There was a 20-card limit for purchasing cards at one time on canteen. Buying enough cards would take months as payday after payday I purchased 20 more.
Additionally, I wanted each card to be a special gift. How could I do that? I would include a Bible verse as well as telling each person 3 good things about themselves that I had observed. I wanted each person to feel loved.
She waved me over. Things were about to get complicated and go sideways.
After considering, excitedly I turned to Jasmine. “I think I’m going to send everyone a Christmas card!” I told her.
“Who’s ‘everyone’?” she asked.
Waving my arm towards the class full of students I responded, “Them! All the students. You know what? All former students too and anyone else I can think of!”
Jasmine looked at me like I was crazy. “Why would you want to do that? That’s a lot of cards, a lot of money!”
“Why wouldn’t I want to?” I asked. Frowning, I studied her face. She shook her head and went back to work.
Sylvia, our other tutor who sat to my right, had overheard. She waved me over. Things were about to get complicated and go sideways.
“Did I hear you want to send Christmas cards to the students?” she asked. I nodded and again outlined my basic idea. Sylvia surveyed the classroom thoughtfully. “I would like to do that with you,” she said after a minute.
Surprised, I thought about the prison “no passing” rule, disallowing one inmate to share anything at all with another. While I’d liberally broken this rule in the past, I was now convinced breaking rules like these was a sin, and I wanted to do better.
“How do you see that working?” I asked Sylvia.
“That many cards will be expensive,” Sylvia answered. “I would be willing to buy some of them. I’d like to sign them all as well.”
I thought about her offer and wasn’t completely comfortable with it. I knew her suggestion meant passing the cards to each other so both of us could sign them. I was tempted, however, by the offer of deferred costs. She was right, it was going to be an expensive campaign. I had enough money, but it was tempting to save some.
“Ok let’s do that,” I relented. “Buy 20 cards and sign them and I will too. We’ll trade so they are all signed by us both.” Sylvia agreed. I was going to regret this compromise very soon, and more than once.
I was going to regret this compromise very soon, and more than once.
I was about to make another bad decision that would prevent these cards from being delivered and might send me to seg!
Two weeks later, Sylvia had 20 Christmas cards. She worked on signing them, then gave them to me. My own cards had also arrived. I spent the evenings signing and writing messages in each. Once mine were done I handed them to Sylvia so she could add her signature. I was stopped short the next day at work. Sylvia was not happy.
“I didn’t know you were going to put Bible verses in the cards!” she complained, referring to the filled-out cards I’d given her to sign. “I no longer want to do this with you,” Sylvia decided. “I also want my cards back,” she demanded.
This was a problem, as I had already signed her cards as well and begun filling them out. We now had 40 cards, and all 40 had my signature and a message. Twenty also included Sylvia’s signature. What could I give her back that she could use?
We decided I’d order another 20 and give them to Sylvia as new. This left me in a bit of a conundrum. Not wanting to throw cards away, I asked Sylvia would it be alright to blackout her signature with a thick black marker. It would not be attractive, but it would avoid waste. She agreed and I set to work covering up her name on the first 20 cards.
This would turn out to be another poor decision and I wasn’t done making wrong choices yet. I was about to make another bad decision that would prevent these cards from being delivered and might send me to seg!
Weeks passed as I continued to buy cards and fill them out. As October turned into November I had another idea – what if I added details on where to get a free Bible in each card? I looked at the large stack of cards neatly stuffed in envelopes, addressed and ready to go. What a lot of work this new idea would be! How would I fit this message onto some of the cards? On many I’d written over every available space.
Again, I had an idea. Sylvia owned something few inmates had – an electric typewriter. I could type up the information and add the slip of paper to each card! Delighted with this new time and space-saving plan I asked Sylvia for permission to borrow her typewriter. She said yes.
Entering another inmate’s cell was strictly forbidden, so I had 2 immediate problems. Sylvia was frail and the electric typewriter was big and heavy. She would not be able to bring it to me, and I could not use it in her room.
“Sir,” I asked the guard at the desk, “I have a question.” The guard looked up. “I am sending out many Christmas cards and would like to include a typewritten message in each on how to get a free Bible. Would it be ok for me to use Sylvia’s typewriter?” The guard thought about it for a moment, and I added, “I could use it right here in the dayroom perhaps. The thing is someone would need to get it out of Sylvia’s room. She’s too weak to get it herself.”
The guard shrugged and said, “You can get it out of her room, that’s fine. Just bring it to your room and use it there.”
Delighted, I retrieved the bulky typewriter and carried it upstairs to my room, setting it on my desk. I got started immediately. I planned to quickly type my message over one hundred times. What I didn’t count on was the amount of skill it takes to type all this without errors, over a hundred times. I was quickly defeated by my poor typing skills.
I had really latched onto this idea, however, and sought a solution. I know! What if I type up one page with the message on it several times and just pay for copies of it? Good plan, however, I even found it difficult to type up the message without error several times on one sheet of paper, and more failed attempts were crumpled and thrown away.
Finally, the next day I had my single page, which was mostly perfect. Now I realized my new plan had another flaw. Requesting xerox copies from the prison is not straightforward. The process to request copies takes several weeks.
One must first submit a payment voucher, at 25 cents a page. Once Accounting and Finance has received the voucher and deducted the money from your spending account the item to be copied is sent somewhere to someone whose job it is to make copies for inmates. (Wonder what that job description looks like.) Once copies are made, they are then mailed to the inmate who requested them.
That’s a lengthy process, one I didn’t have time for. I should have turned back then, but I didn’t. It was already nearing the end of November. At this point I was willing to pay for copies, but there was no time!
Some guards seemed to feel more autonomy and authority than others.
‘It never hurts to ask,’ is what my father always taught me
I considered solutions and decided I would ask a guard for help. Heading downstairs I found a guard I’d never seen before at the desk. Every post has guards assigned to it on regular schedules. Finding an unfamiliar guard at the desk meant someone was on vacation. We called these unfamiliar guards “off-brand” guards.
Some guards seemed to feel more autonomy and authority than others. I’d learned this in the past when I’d asked for help or guidance. Some wrung their hands, uncertain of how to answer, while other guards took matters into their own hands and made decisions. I wondered what type of person this unfamiliar guard was.
‘It never hurts to ask,’ is what my father always taught me, so I headed to the desk to find out. “Miss?” I questioned. The guard turned to look at me. She was young, perhaps in her twenties, with long brown hair. “I have a question. I need help. I plan to mail Christmas cards, many of them, to the inmates here. I was given permission to borrow another inmate’s typewriter so I could include information on how to receive a free Bible.” I frowned and stared at the floor. “It was much harder than I thought to type this message up so many times without mistakes,” I admitted.
In my hands I held the last paper I’d typed up. I had my message on it in 6 squares, some with a few mistakes. I laid it on the desk in front of me. “To solve this, I thought I’d make one good one and get it copied. I have the money for that!” I asserted. “However, it takes so long to get copies. Could you help me?”
Without another word the woman briskly grabbed the paper and came around the desk. Throwing back her shoulders she said, “I’ll make the copies for you right now.” She marched 10 feet to a small office with a large copier. My mouth hung open in surprise. A few minutes later she returned with my copies. I didn’t get her name as I returned to my room, happy.
I began cutting the pages into 6 squares and slipping them into each envelope. I knew my cards would be finished with plenty of time to spare. I felt very accomplished.
After seeing the volume of cards, the mail lady refused to deliver the rest.
Over the next several days I dropped fifty cards at a time into the mail slot, happy to be finishing this exciting project. The mail lady (as we called the woman who oversaw the mail room) would not be as excited.
A week passed, then two. It was now mid-December. About 20 women received their cards. None of the cards, however, had my typed paper about free Bibles. It seems they had been removed. Then I received a notice in my own mailbox.
After seeing the volume of cards, the mail lady refused to deliver the rest, stating the typed paper I’d included was “contraband.” She referred to DOC Policy against distributing “Published materials” through the mail without the author’s permission.
I was shocked, but it was about to get worse. The next morning, I was met by the discipline lady while heading to work. Pulling me aside into the empty gym, she asked to speak with me. In her hand she had a report. “I want to talk to you about your Christmas cards,” she stated. “I have a report here from the mail lady with several serious concerns.”
I thought of the notice I’d received, and considered my answer, but her next words took me off guard. “Are you coercing or stealing from Sylvia?” she accused.
I was so surprised I was speechless. I could not imagine what she was talking about. Noting my confusion she explained, “We noticed that at least 20 of your cards had Sylvia’s signature on them, blacked out. Did you steal these cards from her so you could use them?”
“Oh! I knew I shouldn’t have accepted her offer to help!!” I cried. Now the discipline lady appeared surprised. Carefully I explained the situation to her, my idea to send the cards, Sylvia overhearing and wanting to participate, and then changing her mind after the fact.
I challenged, “Have you reviewed our canteen purchases? The cards Sylvia signed were the ones I bought, not her own. You can see that I bought her 20 new cards to replace the ones she did buy – after she changed her mind.”
“What about all these papers in each card?” the discipline lady pressed. “Where did you get them?”
“I typed them myself,” I answered.
Again, she looked surprised. She asked, “You typed up every single one of them yourself?” Well, not exactly. I cringed.
“No,” I responded, and briefly shared with her how I’d asked a guard for help, and she’d offered to make copies for me.
“Are you stealing from Sylvia?” she accused.
“I could have you thrown in seg right now! You are lucky you are not already in seg!”
“Who was that guard?” she demanded, again suspicious. I had no idea who the guard was. I’d never seen her before or since. I described her appearance and the reason I didn’t know her.
“Well, she never should have done that,” the discipline lady said. “I could have you thrown in seg right now! You are lucky you are not already in seg. The only reason you are not is that I know you a little bit and wanted to talk with you first,” she added.
“I’m sorry!” I stammered. “I thought it was a blessing from God when the guard offered to make copies, an answer to prayer!” I explained. She rolled her eyes.
Taking a deep breath, I told her, “Ok, I understand. Listen, I want to do everything in a way the prison approves of. I do. I have been working very hard at following the rules. I apologize for doing things the wrong way with these cards.”
“Ok, well I will not discipline you for this, but we are not going to deliver the rest of the cards,” she told me.
“You can’t talk about loving another inmate. We don’t allow that here,” she insisted.
Women began to ask me where their cards were, wounded they hadn’t received one. Christmas grew closer. Not only did I ask God that they be delivered at all, but I asked they be on time!
Hearing that I was heartbroken! The 20 women who had already gotten their cards from me had been happily talking about them to the other students. Since the mail had stopped, despite my reassurances they would get one, women had begun to wonder.
“You can’t do that!” I blurted out. “Don’t do that,” I restated, “please!”
“Why shouldn’t we?” she asked, truly interested.
“These are more than just signed Christmas cards,” I explained. “In the cards I wrote to each woman, sharing at least 3 positive things I’d noticed about them. I want them to feel loved!”
“You can’t say that,” she interrupted, “You can’t talk about loving another inmate. That’s inappropriate.”
Stopped short I was dumbfounded. “What?” I stammered.
“You can’t talk about loving another inmate. We don’t allow that here,” she insisted.
“I’m talking about loving them as Jesus instructed. The cards also include Bible verses,” I explained.
“I understand but you still can’t say it,” she pushed. “Use a different word.”
“Ok,” I relented, “some of the students already received their card and they’ve told the others. If you don’t send the rest through some women’s feelings will truly be hurt! They will feel bad! You cannot let them feel bad like that at Christmas! Please give them their cards,” I pleaded.
Her expression had changed. She appeared thoughtful and didn’t give me an answer. I returned to work with a heavy heart, praying. Days passed and I prayed more. Women began to ask me where their cards were, wounded they hadn’t received one. Christmas grew closer. Not only did I ask God that they be delivered at all, but I asked they be on time!
Finally, on December 23rd, a fresh batch of cards reached students’ mailboxes and they were delighted with the gift. On December 24th the rest were delivered, just in time, and every student felt included and loved. I rejoiced in these answers to prayer! I felt a huge sense of relief.
She looked away and said, “My entire life I’ve felt invisible. I thought I was invisible.”
As things quieted down a student approached my desk. Tiesha was a very quiet student and appeared painfully shy. Like several other students, I’d had to spend more time considering how to lift her up and praise her in the card. I’d prayed about that too.
Tiesha had never come to me before. Now she sat and said, “I want to thank you for my Christmas card. I have not received any mail until now. That was the first.” She looked away and said, “My entire life I’ve felt invisible. I thought I was invisible.”
She turned back and said, “Your card was the first time in my life someone has praised me, told me good things about myself. Thank you for seeing me! I just wanted you to know how much it meant to me,” she added, smiling, and returned to her desk.
“The wise in heart will accept and obey commandments, but the foolish of lips will fall headlong.” Prov. 10:8
“Judgments are prepared for scoffers, and stripes for the backs of [self-confident] fools.” Prov. 19:29
I looked over to see Sylvia watching. I noted her ID badge was clipped with a red tag, which meant discipline. As the class dismissed for lunch Sylvia asked me, “Was it worth getting DLOPs? Was sending the cards worth the punishment?” She pointed to her red tag.
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I answered, confused.
“I received DLOPs for my involvement in the cards,” she answered. “The discipline lady came to see me. I told her the prison rules were ridiculous. I argued with her about the whole thing and she didn’t like my attitude or what I said. She gave me DLOPs when she left,” Sylvia finished.
I recalled my own rather different response when the discipline lady spoke to me, as I had apologized and expressed a desire to follow rules in the future. Suddenly a number of verses in Proverbs focused my mind:
“The wise in heart will accept and obey commandments, but the foolish of lips will fall headlong.” Prov. 10:8
“A reproof enters deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred lashes into a [self-confident] fool.” Prov. 17:10
“Judgments are prepared for scoffers, and stripes for the backs of [self-confident] fools.” Prov. 19:29
“When the scoffer is punished, the fool gets a lesson in being wise; but men of [godly] Wisdom and good sense learn by being instructed.” Prov 21:11
“A reproof enters deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred lashes into a [self-confident] fool.” Prov. 17:10
With this new knowledge, I felt even more grateful that God can use me and my life, even when it is messy! I was also grateful to learn by instruction, saving me from needing to learn using punishment. This was also God’s doing, and I loved Him even more for it!
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
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Reflection on Reliability:
- How do you personally define reliability, and how does it align with the biblical description of God’s reliability in Isaiah 46 and Numbers 23:19?
- In what areas of your life do you struggle with being reliable, and how can you take steps to improve?
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Understanding Cognitive Dissonance:
- How have you experienced cognitive dissonance in your own life? Can you identify behaviors that conflict with your values or beliefs?
- Reflecting on Romans 8:29, how does being molded into the image of God help resolve these internal conflicts?
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Examining Unreliability as a Sin:
- Do you agree with the idea that unreliability can be considered a sin? Why or why not?
- How does the concept of God’s unwavering reliability challenge you to change your own behaviors?
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Accountability and Personal Growth:
- How do you currently approach accountability in your life? Is it more about admitting wrongdoing, or do you also focus on making positive changes?
- In what ways can you incorporate more thorough accountability, as discussed in the content, into your daily life?
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Serving Others:
- How does serving others help you grow spiritually and personally? Can you share an experience where serving others had a significant impact on you?
- Reflect on the challenges faced in the Christmas card project. How can perseverance through challenges enhance your spiritual journey?
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Biblical Teachings on Love and Encouragement:
- The cards included Bible verses and personal praises. How can you incorporate similar acts of kindness and encouragement in your community?
- How do Jesus’ teachings on love and service inspire you to act differently in your daily life?
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Facing Institutional Challenges:
- How do you handle obstacles and institutional barriers in your own efforts to do good? Can you think of a time when your good intentions were misunderstood or blocked?
- Reflect on how you can maintain integrity and perseverance in the face of such challenges, drawing on biblical principles.
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Learning from Proverbs:
- Reflect on the Proverbs mentioned (Prov. 10:8, 17:10, 19:29, 21:11). How do these verses speak to the importance of wisdom and obedience in your life?
- In what areas do you need to seek more wisdom and understanding to avoid the pitfalls described in these Proverbs?
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Gratitude and Spiritual Growth:
- How does gratitude play a role in your spiritual growth? Can you identify moments where recognizing God’s blessings changed your perspective or actions?
- Reflect on how Holly’s journey of gratitude and reliance on God’s guidance can inspire your own spiritual practices.
