One day in February Marsha approached me in the dayroom. “Holly, I am wondering if you’d be willing to help with something. We are planning the discipline free banquet and don’t yet have a theme for this year. Even though you are not a member of the Positive Peer Culture Group (PPCG), I think the prison would permit you to help if I asked. I thought of you because you are creative. Would you help?”

“Let me think about it,” I answered. The warden had created PPCG. Membership required an essay application and existing inmate members voted in the applicants. One of the many events the group hosted was the Discipline Free Banquet. I had no interest in being a member of the group, and I had chosen not to go to the previous year’s banquet, although I was invited. The discipline free banquet was a big deal at the prison. Inmates who had been discipline free the previous year were invited guests. Staff were also invited and could bring a date. The meal was catered and a live band provided entertainment.

I returned to my room and prayed, “Jesus, I can’t imagine why I was asked to help with this. I can only guess it must be from You. If it is, what theme do you want for this banquet?”

“I will be the theme,” Jesus answered. He formed a picture in my mind, a mountain made of boulders. Written inside each rock was one of God’s character traits: kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and so on. A woman stood balanced atop the mountain as she reached down and grasped the hand of another woman straining to climb it. At the bottom a third woman lifted the climber from below. I opened my eyes and sketched out His picture.

Returning to the dayroom later I found Marsha. “I will help your group,” I told her. This would become an exciting project I enjoyed. At Marsha’s request PPCG gave me permission to pilot the theme and for the next few months the group invited me to their event planning meetings. Soon I discovered that creating a theme meant bringing the theme to life through invitations, decorations and games. The prison gave me wide latitude for my creative vision. Excitedly I got to work.

I firmed up the sketch and styled it as a silhouette in dramatic black and white. Staff in the Reflector’s office scanned it into the prison’s computer network. I headed to the computer lab to design the invitations with it. These would be mailed out as soon as possible to generate excitement and a guest list. Next I worked on party games. Jesus gave me creative ideas for this too.

The banquet is hosted in the gym, and to build anticipation for arriving guests I asked for 9 panels of white paper. These I taped together into a seven foot square on the wall of my cell and began to draw a near life-size version of my sketch. This mural would be placed in front of the double wide entrance to block the view of the gym, creating a fun “reveal” moment for party goers. These ideas and many others were enacted and a sub-group of the PPCG began the work of sending out the invitations, cutting out and assembling the game cubes, and painting the life-size mural. Jesus gave me new energy and life as I talked to Him about all these ideas.

A few weeks later Marsha approached me, “Holly, the banquet always has a presentation with a speaker, but this year we can’t find anyone to be to speak. Will you do that as well?” After praying about it, I agreed.

After several weeks of refining, I asked Marsha and a few other women if I could practice delivering the speech and receive feedback. They agreed. I began, “Hello, my name is Holly Aho, and I’m a long termer here at Shakopee. This year I volunteered to serve on the committee that works hard to make this banquet a success…” I continued through my presentation, but halfway through I mentioned Jesus and everything screeched to a halt.

“You can’t mention Jesus!” Marsha interrupted.

“I think I can,” I responded, determined that I would.

“I’m going to report this to the committee, the prison,” Marsha retorted. I was baffled, as Marsha claimed to be religious, but I said nothing. Back in my room I prayed, “Lord, this opportunity is from You. If You desire this speech to be shared at the banquet I know You will make a way. If not, help me to prepare the speech You do desire.”

Two days later the committee held a meeting to review my presentation, and I provided a written copy. Ms Rubash, manager of the prison’s Christian faith-based Prison Fellowship Academy (PFA), sat on the committee. She turned the pages, asked me a few clarifying questions, and announced, “I think this is fine. There’s no issue here.” I praised God in my heart! Ms. Rubash leaned towards me and asked, “Can I make a few suggestions?”

“Please,” I responded.

“To connect with your audience, bring your message home with thoughtful questions,” she advised. With other helpful tips I returned to my room to polish the presentation.

The day for the banquet arrived, and everyone was excited. Members of PPCG and myself spent hours setting up tables and arranging decorations. Seating charts were consulted, place settings were laid, centerpieces constructed, and the mural hung on scaffolding in front of the door. As the day progressed I began to feel ill, my nose running, head pounding and throat growing raw. ‘How will I ever give a presentation?’ I worried. “Jesus help me,” I pleaded.

Finally all was ready. The lights were dimmed, and assigned door greeters took their marks on each side of the mural. Within minutes a line formed in the hall outside the gym, anticipation building as they imagined the fun that awaited them on the other side of the painting. The line split at the door as guests handed their invitation to a volunteer on the right or left and stepped round, now taking in the dim lights, catering tables, beautiful table settings (with real china and silverware), plate covers, and centerpieces. Large TVs round the room endlessly looped a slideshow honoring discipline free inmate attendees. A band played live music in the corner. Staff and inmates stood chatting together in groups while others where directed to their assigned seats by volunteers. The warden and associate wardens arrived and were given places of honor near the front.

I sat and watched, praying for a quick recovery, but my head grew fuzzier by the minute. Soon our meals began to arrive in the hands of white-coated servers, delivering our choice of veggie pizza, lasagna or cheese burger. I could almost imagine freedom as I surveyed the room.

As plates were being cleared from the tables I received a nod from Ms Rubash. It was time to deliver my presentation. I prayed for strength and made my way to the lectern with its large screen behind it. My power point was loaded. “Good evening,” I started. “If my presentation isn’t the best I apologize. I seem to be coming down with something.” I smiled and looked over the waiting audience. The lights were dropped altogether over the crowd, allowing only a dim view of the front rows. I swallowed, and began. “Tonight’s theme is: ‘People succeed when they are established on a foundation of core values and nurtured within a community.’ Our keywords are success, values, and community.”

Behind me a quote appeared on the screen, ‘The pen is mightier than the sword.’ I continued, “This quote is true because words are powerful. This applies to the words we use about others, which leads to another powerful quote: ‘There are 5 things to be concerned about – to whom you speak, about whom you speak, and where and how and when.’ A word’s power increases the better we understand its meaning. Since one of tonight’s keywords is community, I have an activity for you to do as we consider a few of its meanings. I would ask you to reflect on how well it describes your friends, your family, yourself, and even people you’d like to surround yourself with….”

As I spoke I flashed through slides. ‘Pos-i-tive-ly adj. 1) fully assured: confident,’ appeared behind me. “Are you confident? Do you want to be?” Another slide, ‘2) independent of changing circumstances. Unconditioned.’ “Unconditioned is an unusual word. We don’t use it very often. What does it mean?” A new slide, ‘Un-con-di-tioned adj. 1) not subject to conditions or limitations: natural.’ “Have you heard it said, “Nothing is impossible with God? He is not subject to any limitations! Positively also means: 3) not false: Real. Positive people are not merely cheerful. They’re authentic. 4) Active and effective in social or economic function rather than merely maintaining peace and order. This last definition has to do with our keyword community. What exactly does it mean to be active and effective?”

The next slide showed the definition of the word active – characterized by action rather than contemplation or speculation. “Active people get things done. They aren’t all talk! Effective means 1) producing a desired effect. 2) Impressive. 3) ready for service or action.” The next slide displayed the contents of the mural, the three women in different stages of climbing the mountain instead replaced with question marks. “What do active and effective people look like? The first type is the woman at the top of the mountain.” She appeared on the slide. “She has demonstrated some measure of success. Everyone here is this first type. Being discipline free is a success! Success requires core values and goals.”

The building blocks of the mountain were highlighted behind me, large boulders inscribed with the words ‘Thankful, loyal, stable, prepared, trustworthy…’ I continued, “These values are lived out as skills. It’s easy to be kind to those who are kind to you, but it’s a skill be kind under pressure… While our graphic shows only one hill, it represents the many, many goals we will each tackle and hills we will climb to succeed. Goals are established with core values, meaning our values come first. For example, one must understand responsibility before asking an employer for a raise. Which values do you need to work on?”

The slide changed to add the second woman climbing the side of the mountain. “She is a person creating and maintaining goals. Why is she only halfway up the hill? Has she not yet had any success? Let me tell you a story. I love playing video games. Anyone else love to play video games?” Several people raised their hands. I nodded as I continued, “One of my favorites is Call of Duty, which can be played online and has many levels of difficulty, but it is possible to make it to the highest level. What happens then? You don’t want to quit playing!

“The games creators solved the dilemma in this way – a player’s marker is changed in appearance to reflect this accomplishment and they begin again at level 1. Since their marker has a different look all players know that this isn’t a new player beginning at level 1, but rather an experienced player with honors rising again through the ranks. You can do this as many times as you wish. They even have a name for it; it’s called Prestige Mode. This woman on the hill? She’s in Prestige Mode! So my question to you is, are you in Prestige Mode?”

The slide changed behind me and the two women on the hill changed moved, the woman at the top now reaching down to grasp the hand of the climber and pull her up. “Now remember, our keyword is community. So far we have two individuals working alone. This does not a community make! Tonight’s premise is that people succeed when nurtured within a community. A community, a society, is a voluntary association of individuals for common goals. Mentors, counselors, coaches, advisors, and volunteers in clubs, fraternities and unions taking classes, programs, and interships. Note that the climber must be willing to seek help. That means recognizing when you need help! And the person at the top is so important. There are many hills in life – many goals to work towards. It’s so easy, once a hill is conquered, to become excited about future goals and abandon the last hill and its climbers.

“Have you ever had a friend tell you before they leave prison that they’ll write to you after they go home, and then they don’t? Why does this happen? It happens because not every hill is a pleasure to climb. This prison is also a hill! Leaving is a goal. Those mentors who have climbed to the top and remain or return at times to support climbers must relive their experiences. That’s so hard! These are special, strong people. Appreciate your mentors and be so thankful for them. They are walking through fire for you! So my questions for you are, do you know when you need help? Are you seeking help? Who are your mentors? And finally, as you climb, ask yourself, ‘Am I willing to be a mentor?’

Finally, let’s look at the third type of person that helps to create a functioning community.” The slide changed and the third woman at the bottom of the hill appeared. Beside her was the label, ‘The Exponent.’ “Why is she at the bottom of the hill? Has she no accomplishments? Is she lazy? No! That’s not the reason she is here at the bottom. Like the other two types she’s also a success. Also like the person at the top of the hill, she’s an advocate. Being a word lover I looked up the word ‘advocate’ and found its synonym: exponent. I had no idea what that was, so I found it in the dictionary.

“Now I’m an English tutor here at the prison, not a math tutor and for good reason. I’m terrible at math. Did you know that the dictionary can teach you math?” Behind me the slide changed to display a red superscript 3 beside a giant black 10. “Do you see the red three next to the black ten? In math that three is an exponent, and its job is to raise the ten to a higher power. Do you see where I’m going with this? An advocate as an exponent is a person that raises someone else up, upholds them, and supports them in their interests. So what’s the difference between this woman and the woman at the top of the hill? They’re both successful, they’re both advocates helping others reach their goals.

“The woman at the top, though, has the same goal as the woman climbing. They are surmounting the same hill. While their efforts are commendable, if only these two types of people existed society might become a dangerous place. This is how snobbery, classism, elitism, cliques and even racism can form. ‘Like’ helping ‘like,’ people remaining inside their own social circles and with those who share their own interests.”

The slide changed behind me, showing, ‘Ex = from without.’ I continued, “The person at the bottom is perhaps the most important person of all. ‘Ex,’ in exponent, means from without like the ‘ex’ in the word ‘exit.’ This advocate is one that doesn’t necessarily share in the interests of those she supports. She isn’t personally benefitting from her efforts, but she’s selflessly lifting up others because these are her sisters and this is her community! Jesus said, ‘If anyone desires to be greatest of all, he must be last of all and servant of all.'”

The slide changed, showing a parody of the mural – three women on a different hill. The woman on top has pushed the climber off the hill, the climber falling through space backwards. The woman at the bottom is digging a hole with a shovel for the falling climber to disappear into. The values inscribed into the rocks changed to evil words like ‘self-centered, irrational, liar, impetuous, and fear.’ As I reviewed the slide I sighed, and met the eyes in the audience. “This is where I was at when I arrived at Shakopee,” I admitted. “If I had success at anything I didn’t want to share it. If I had failed, I hoped others would fail too. You may have noticed that this hill has totally different values. I didn’t randomly select negative words. Not long after I came here I was interviewed and given psychological tests. In the final report these are the exact words used to describe me.” The audience stilled, the silence palpable as they considered my words.

“Guess what? I still wake up on this hill every day and usually make the choice to walk over to the other hill and start climbing. Usually. It’s a choice. I am still many bad things on this hill. Not as much as before, but nevertheless I still am. Today, through my relationship with Jesus however, I have more of His core values. It’s a transition, a progression. Where did you start when you got here? Where are you in this progression? Are you where you want to be?”

The screen went black behind me. I paused, waited for my eyes to adjust. “Let me tell you what else my old psychological report said about me. I was described as not readily amenable to change. What was their proof that I would be so difficult in therapy? I’d be, quote, ‘Unlikely to admit personal responsibility,’ and also, quote, ‘very unlikely to ever share her more troublesome attitudes or personal deficiencies.’ The truth is, they were right about me in every way except that last part. NOTHING is impossible with God. Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently!

“Now let me tell you a secret about this hill. Three different people are not needed to make this a successful community.” The slide changed back to the excellent core values with its three women. Below it shown the caption, ‘A society functions best when all 3 types exist within one individual as attitudes.’ Glancing up at the slide I continued, “What does this mean? Well, I am the woman at the top. I am discipline free and have some measure of success. I am the woman climbing, too, because I am progressing and making new goals. And I am the woman at the bottom. I’m not saying I’m good at it, because I’m not, but I want to step outside of my social circle and lift you, my sisters, up, support your future!

“So this is positively me. Is it positively you? Do you want it to be? Can it be….positively us?” I finished. Before I could finish speaking the audience quickly rose to their feet and erupted in applause. With my head fuzzy from a growing illness, I stepped backwards in shock. The lights rose and I surveyed the crowd, everyone still on their feet clapping. I nearly fainted. Tears rose to the surface as I recalled my past struggles to be liked, loved, and valued. On my own merit I had been a miserable failure. Today, I could do all things through Christ who gave me strength. The slide presentation faded as I nodded my appreciation and returned to my seat.

The band began to play again and conversation returned all around me. An hour later the event was over, each inmate savoring the memory as we returned to our rooms. I spent the next several days in bed with a bad cold, and emerged to find Marsha waiting for me again. “Holly, you should apply to be a member of PPCG.”

“I don’t know,” I waffled. Despite the wonderful banquet, I still didn’t see myself functioning full-time as a member of the club. Marsha persisted, and I agreed to consider it. The decision seemed taken out of my hands two weeks later with an announcement in the Memo of the Day which stated that an inmate must have at least a year of their sentence left in order to be considered for membership in PPCG. With a sigh of relief I forgot about the whole thing and life returned to normal, however I would soon learn Jesus puts you in places you didn’t apply for!

After the banquet Jesus began to give me a heart of compassion for new arriving inmates. I requested a move to the intake unit and the prison granted my request. I settled in to Broker for the second time in my stay, seven years after my own arrival. I felt excited!

A knock on my door turned my head a few weeks later. Jen, my neighbor as well as a PPCG member, stared at me through the window. Opening the door I stepped out and she beamed, “Did you get your mail yet?”

The day prior I had received a thank you card from the PPCG members and assumed this is what Jen referred to, so I answered, “Oh sure. Yesterday. That was very nice, thank you.”

She smiled even bigger and said, “I can’t wait to see you at our next meeting! We are so proud to have you as our newest member!” I had no idea what she was talking about. Realization dawned on her face, “You didn’t get that news in the mail yet, did you?” I shook my head. “You were talking about something else you got in the mail, weren’t you?” Again I nodded as she drew closer. “Oh, I’m sorry. It was supposed to be a big surprise.”

“What is a big surprise?” I asked.

“Well, the PPCG met and decided to vote you in as our newest member, even though you didn’t apply and have less than a year left on your sentence. We are excited to have you!” she was beaming again. “Don’t tell anyone I let you in on the surprise early, ok?” she finished.

True to her word, my membership in PPCG was confirmed the next morning in the mail. I laughed. “Jesus, what else are we doing?” I asked. A week later I attended my first monthly group meeting, held in the visiting room. The chairs were arranged in a square and as I chose a seat the warden and programming manager joined us. Meeting minutes were taken and time was spent reviewing upcoming projects, such as a prison wide basketball tournament and movie night. Next, the group was divided into 4 sub-groups for acts of service, including prison cleaning projects, grounds maintenance and helping others. My friend and fellow tutor Heather was already sitting in the section for cleaning projects, so I joined her. As a group we considered ways to serve others, and decided our next task would be deep cleaning the visiting room. I would do this project every month with Heather and two other women until I was released in December. It became a deeply satisfying experience to serve in this new way.

Two weeks later Jen again knocked on my door. “Heidi and I are going to meet in the dayroom to plan the upcoming unit meeting. Will you join us?” I met them at a table and Jen laid out the game plan. First we’ll review PPCG’s shared values. Heidi is going to share the first two, and explain what they mean. I will do the second two. Holly, would you like to do the last one?” I nodded. “Great! After that, Lynn has asked if she can share an encouraging story. I think that would be great. What do you two think?” I didn’t know what to think. I’d never gone to one of these meetings before and didn’t know what to expect. When meeting day arrived we removed the tables from the dayroom and lined chairs in rows facing the windows. Jen arranged an easel and 3 chairs at the head of the room. We sat to wait.

Soon the room filled with over 100 women, new inmates nervous about their future and thirsty for an encouraging word. Guards also joined the crowd, taking seats beside inmates. I surveyed the crowd and pitied their ragged appearances, most of the women days into their stay and still without important hygiene products. Many women slumped in their chair, averting their gaze. Heidi and Jen started the meeting and I watched as hope infused a few faces. A desire grew in me to boldly encourage these women, ignite a faith in Jesus within their lives and inspire them in their future. As the meeting closed I asked Jesus how I might do just that.

PPCG’s movie night arrived the next week. Again the dayroom was rearranged to facilitate a large gathering. PPCG members had spent the day popping hundreds of gallons of popcorn in the gym. Huge plastic bags were filled to bursting with the treat and carried out to each living unit. Paper cones were also delivered for serving the popcorn. Meeting the popcorn carrying volunteer at the front door of Broker I carried two large bags inside. Women were already finding their seats, facing the large TV. Opening the container of paper cones I donned a pair of disposable gloves and began filling them with popcorn. Jen grabbed three cones and passed them out. Heidi did the same when a prison guard walked over and said, “You ladies have a seat and enjoy the movie. I will serve everyone the popcorn.” Sliding on a pair of gloves she filled a cone and handed it to me. I thanked her, amazed at her humility, and gratefully took a seat.

The next month I brought my Bible to our unit meeting. Again the room filled with staff and inmates, the inmates a pitiful looking group of newcomers. A burning began in my chest as I determined to love on them, inspire them, and fill them with hope. In our pre-meeting planning session, I had expressed my desire to talk for a few minutes and Jen agreed. Now, as Heidi finished reviewing PPCG core values, I stood and turned to Jeremiah 29:11. “Hi, my name is Holly and I have been here for more than 7 years. My release date is in just a few months. Many of you are hurting, and I understand. Perhaps you are discouraged. God tells us, ‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’ He is speaking to you today. You have a future, and you can have hope! I have been where you are, and I stand today where you can be – loved by Jesus and victorious over sin.”

Women were looking up from their laps, and a few began to cry, tears tracking silently down their cheeks. “Who here suffers depression?” I asked.  I turned pages in the Bible and continued, “God says in the Bible, ‘Not in your own strength for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight’. Would you like that?” One woman emphatically nodded.

“It also says, ‘But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.’ in Isaiah 41:1.” Energized, I thrilled to share this good news with these women. I stood up on my toes as I continued, “How do we get this strength? Jesus says: ‘Keep on asking and it will be given you …For everyone who keeps on asking receives!'”

I paused as I considered what to say next. I had no planned speech. Women were now eagerly leaning forward, some smiling in hope.  I strained to reach their hearts with my words, “I know most of you are new here, and have no canteen yet. It is hard to be without, I know! Let me read you what Paul said, ‘I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am…I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want.’

“Ladies, is anyone hungry?” A few women laughed. “Are you going without?” I asked. More women laughed and nodded. With intensity and surveyed the room and asked, “Do YOU know the secret to facing every situation? Are you content?” The room hushed and laughter faded. “Do you wanna know?” I smiled. Every woman leaned forward in her chair. “Let me tell you about Jesus,” I began. “He is my best friend and He can be yours too! You will never, ever be alone again. He loves you.”

The atmosphere was changing, hope filling the hearts of women present. I thanked God for the opportunity He’d given me to stand here today and love on these women, share His love for them! I thrilled in my heart to offer real solutions to women with serious problems. I brought my Bible to every future meeting, determined to tell everyone about Jesus love for them, and what He had done for me.

God was restoring me to the community, and He was beginning to restore my family relationships as well.