(01) Before
Prison didn’t change my life. Earthly things don’t change us into heavenly creatures.
Salvation is a gift from God. It just so happens I was in prison when that happened for me.
Before my arrest at age 35 in 2010 I never thought about prison, jail, or the criminal justice system. Everything I thought I “knew,” I learned on TV, as I really enjoyed news and drama programs (which did me no good at all). To my knowledge I had no friends who’d sat jail time. I had no idea what to expect if I was arrested and sent to jail.
Have you found yourself in an unfamiliar situation, uncertain of what to expect, anxious for the future?
I’m inspired to share my story with you because I want to point you to Jesus and your own personal relationship with Him. He is so, so good! I also want to encourage you in whatever circumstances you are in today.
My life before prison was ordinary. Does that describe your life? Would you like more? You are in the right place.
I’ve always been a competitive person, often an overachiever. As a young person I was also insecure, and I acted out during my teen years. I often felt angry and unloved. These feelings would deepen into rage and depression as I grew older.
Growing up my parents took me and my brother to church several times a week. We were also sent to Fourth Baptist Christian School. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a young age and was baptized at our church. I wanted to be a good girl and embraced what I was learning. It wasn’t praise I received, however, for my efforts; it was apathy and occasional accusation.
I grew to hate my mother, feeling rejected, and I ran away from home for a short time at age 17. I could not bear returning to a place where I felt misunderstood and mischaracterized. Frequent tongue lashings instead of loving conversations had left me wrung out and ready to find love and approval elsewhere.
“I want to point you to Jesus and your own personal relationship with Him”
Just before my 19th birthday, I impulsively married a man I had dated in high school, even though we were no longer dating. On a whim we drove to Las Vegas with some friends and got married. This would be the first of many choices I would regret, while not understanding my motivations.
Not for the first time I was asked, “What were you thinking? Why did you do that?” It wouldn’t be the last time.
Have you ever done something you don’t understand? Do you have regrets?
Romans 7:15 “For I do not understand my own actions. I am baffled, bewildered. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe, which my moral instinct condemns.”
I became pregnant with my first son soon after. Within a month or two my husband began cheating on me, and a year later we were separated.
I was eager to prove myself after this disaster. I felt shame as a single mom, a divorced woman, in her early 20s. I lacked a personal relationship with Jesus, however, at the time. I had accepted Him as my Savior, but He wasn’t Lord of my life. I was not rebellious, I simply didn’t understand the concept.
At age 23 I remarried. I had believed my first husband shared my religious convictions and I felt certain my new husband did as well. In order to determine this I considered his family, whose religious convictions were similar, and used this to inform me. My second husband also lacked a personal relationship with Jesus.
I’d heard the phrase “personal relationship with Jesus” before, although it wasn’t stressed nor explained at the church I grew up in. Salvation was their talking point, which they believed they’d narrowed to a formula – “the sinner’s prayer.” What should be expected afterward was not described (other than heaven upon death, which was also not further described), although teaching was of high importance at this church.
I’d prayed the salvation prayer many times throughout my formative years, feeling no different than before. I was left wondering if I’d prayed “sincerely enough.” Convinced I couldn’t be more earnest and having been led to believe this prayer was all one needed, I came to view my experience as how it should be if one were saved and a good Christian.
I became arrogant and proud of my belief system, my religion, while at the same time losing interest in going to church as an adult. My second husband and I had 4 more children. I became a stay-at-home mom, and soon I was looking for ways to be a work at home mom.
I began developing my artistic talents, and soon my artwork was installed at a local gallery. I began selling my paintings online as I looked for additional ways to be productive. I would soon use these skills to become an award-winning blogger and IT director of a large non-profit.
In 2005 we lived in a small town. A talk radio station mentioned a young local soldier had been injured in Iraq and was recovering at the VA hospital. His family was encouraging everyone to come and visit. All were welcome.
I am an introvert. I am also a patriot. I absolutely wanted to go. I took it with faith that this was a true invitation to visit. The next day, husband came home from work early. I relayed the news from the radio and asked his thoughts. He said he’d watch the kids and encouraged me to go. I drove an hour into the city and visited this wounded soldier.
More of that story can be read in my book, From Here to There. The immediate result is that while visiting I learned this soldier was receiving many visitors. I learned the soldiers in the neighboring hospital rooms were from other states altogether. Many of their families could not afford to visit them at all. I decided to return as often as I could.
“A soldier had been injured in Iraq and was recovering at the VA hospital. His family encouraged everyone to visit.”
I was surprised how easy it was to encourage these wounded soldiers. I thought others would want to do it too, if they knew how. I began a blog and started writing. My book From Here to There is a compilation of its popular posts. The blog became nominated for awards like the Bloggies, and won an award for the best U.S. Civilian MILblog (Military Blog).
This is the exciting and fun part of my story. Soon I was invited to travel to Washington D.C. to visit soldiers at Walter Reed hospital. I was a citizen journalist and reported on military blog panels. I traveled to other places as well for the non-profit Soldiers’ Angels and met many fine volunteers, military families, and soldiers.
Money did not improve my marriage or life. As my second marriage quickly soured, I was left to wonder what I was doing wrong. By age 35, the year of my arrest, my second marriage was so toxic we no longer shared a bedroom, and I’d grown to hate him.
That year I destroyed my family’s life, my life. I had a sexual relationship with my son’s 15-year-old friend, and in 2011 at age 36 (after a year of legal proceedings), I was officially convicted of criminal sexual conduct and sentenced to 12 years in prison.
It would be 5 more years before everything changed; I would never be the same.
“Every follower of Jesus should be a walking miracle, the kind of person who can never be explained.”
~ A.W. Tozer
Transformation is best displayed with an accurate representation of before, so that one can appreciate the results after. I share my story transparently in the hope it will encourage you to draw close to Jesus in your own walk with Him.
Do you suffer from depression? Is your marriage thriving or sinking? Are you interested in a better relationship with your children, your family, your parents? Are you faced with adversity, struggles and obstacles at work, at home, in your community? Is anxiety a frequent visitor in your life?
Before prison I did not know that personal transformation existed. I’m talking about amazing, shocking, exciting life transformation. Author A.W. Tozer states, “Every follower of Jesus should be a walking miracle, the kind of person who can never be explained.”
Are you a walking miracle? Do you want to be? God is interested in you, and anything God ever did for anybody, He will do for anybody else.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
- Holly mentions experiencing responses of apathy and occasional accusation in response to her efforts to be a “good Christian.” Have you ever experienced similar feelings in your faith journey? How did you overcome them?
- Holly initially lacked a personal relationship with Jesus despite accepting Him as her Savior. How does the Bible define a personal relationship with Jesus, and how does it differ from simply believing in Him?
- Holly’s experience with prayer is one of uncertainty and doubt. Have you ever struggled with doubts about the effectiveness of prayer or whether your prayers are “sincere enough”? How did you navigate those doubts?
- Despite her outward success, Holly’s second marriage and personal life were fraught with struggles. How does the pursuit of earthly achievements sometimes lead us away from spiritual growth? Can you share any personal experiences in this regard?
- Holly’s story challenges the notion that outward appearances or religious practices alone define one’s relationship with God. How can we move beyond surface-level expressions of faith to cultivate a deeper, more meaningful connection with God?
