Chapter 14: SURPRISED BY JOY

Jan 24, 2024 | 2015, 2016, Life During | 0 comments

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From Surviving to Living
(14) SURPRISED BY JOY: A Miraculous Journey from Doubt to Experiencing God
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Part Two

October 2015 – December 2018

The Supernatural

“But you will receive power and ability when the Holy Spirit comes upon you; and you will be My witnesses [to tell people about Me]both in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and Samaria, and even to the ends of the earth.”~ Acts 1:8

“…the Lord opened her heart to pay attention and to respond…” Acts 16:14

I think of this as my beginning. I was asleep, spiritually dead all my life, before 2016. I was not seeking Jesus at the time, yet Jesus desired a relationship with me. He would soon make His love for me known. I would also come to know by experience the most valuable truth, a relationship with Jesus elevates us out of our circumstances. He became steady and near, and everything else took its place beneath Him in my life.

It was the fall of 2015, and I was frantic. Every area of my life was a disaster. Jesus started changing everything using a phone call. “Mom, I’m not sure I believe in God anymore,” my oldest son Noel explained on the phone one evening in October.

This news upset me. I didn’t know it at the time, but questioning one’s beliefs is normal, a part of authentic spiritual growth. On this day, however, I believed differently, feared doubt. Trying to remain calm I asked, “Why do you say that?” Noel had graduated from a Christian school. ‘What went wrong?’

“I’m not certain He exists,” Noel answered. “I’m not an atheist. I guess I don’t know,” he sighed. The call left me concerned as I considered how I might help him find answers.

In my own life, I tend to place an emphasis on logic and fact rather than emotion. Now I considered how I might use these methods. Strangely, I never thought about asking God for direction in helping Noel. Prayer was something I rarely considered. Noel’s questions and feelings mirrored my own, although I refused to admit it.

When I was young, 4 years old, my mother told me she had explained salvation to me – how Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and He had risen from the dead. Jesus is alive today. She asked me if I believed and prayed with me but I do not remember it. She wrote the date in my Bible.

At age 7 I was baptized at our church. This I do remember, a little. I stood waist deep in the warm water of the baptismal, which was like a very large bathtub installed behind the pulpit. The pastor stood beside me, hand on my shoulder. We looked out over the church congregation together, spotlights bright in my eyes, the crowd a vague shape beyond the lights except for the front row of spectators, who loomed larger than life. This illusion lent to the idea that the church was filled with a huge crowd. The pastor began talking and asking me questions. Terrified I did nothing, said nothing. Finally I noticed he wasn’t speaking anymore and a long silence had passed. I looked up I found him staring at me. ‘Did he ask me something?’ I wondered. ‘What do I do?’ Looking out again to the waiting crowd I simply nodded. I was baptized regardless and this made me a member of the church.

As I grew up and became a teenager, I would hear this message of salvation many times and though told I’d been saved, with that note in a Bible to prove it, I still didn’t feel saved. So I’d pray again, did this more than once. Nothing was different. Why? Was I already saved? Or wasn’t it working? I didn’t know.

Years later, when I was in my twenties, I was cleaning the house and a thought struck me, “Does God really exist?” I squeezed my eyes shut, tried to ignore it. I reminded myself of a day when I was 17 years old, the day Jesus dramatically answered my prayer.

“Hey! Let’s ride dirt bikes! We have some in the shed,” my high school friend Mike pointed behind me. I glanced at the shed, considering. Without waiting for an answer he hiked up the drive. Tossing open the doors, he rolled out 2 motor bikes.

The first roared to life easily. The second bike was lifeless. Mike’s brow creased in thought. He headed back into the shed for tools and I sat to watch. Thirty minutes passed without success. Mike is a determined person, but after an hour he was ready to call it quits. “I guess we can both ride together on one bike,” he said. “It won’t be the same, but it will still be fun.”

“Wait,” I said. We’d been friends for a couple years and I often invited Mike to church. Mike enjoyed the people there but he didn’t believe in God. I decided to take a risk. “Before you put the bike away, how about I pray it starts, then you try it one more time?” I asked. God could do this; I did not know if He wanted to do it and I did not know if He would.

“What? I’ve been working on the bike for an hour,” he dismissed. “You want to pray, and you think the bike will just… start?!” Mike laughed.

“Yes, exactly,” I answered, trying not to feel foolish.

“Okay, fine. Go ahead,” Mike leaned back, ready for another good laugh. He waited.

Closing my eyes I prayed out loud, “God, please make this dirt bike start now. Thank you.” I opened my eyes. Mike was watching me as I pointed to the bike and said, “Try it now.” Mike leaned forward again to start it. VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! The bike ROARED to life. We both stepped back in shock. Jesus does exist, I knew then, and He answers prayers.

Now here I was, 40 years old and in prison, my son struggling with doubts. How could I help him? I was enrolled in evening college classes at the prison, and had recently been given an assignment to write a persuasive essay. This was it! God’s existence would be the topic of my essay and it would persuade Noel! I felt really proud to have such an idea, and eagerly got to work.

I had an unexpected problem right away. As I pondered the outline of my essay, I thought to describe God, and I considered all I’d heard about Him at church. Then I wrote down a list. “Great!” I thought. “Good start.” Next I tried to find this information in the Bible to cite it.

Opening the Bible at random, I scanned the unfamiliar pages. Nothing obvious jumped out. Perhaps I had such a shallow faith, such a simplistic view of God, that I assumed these ideas would be easy to find anywhere in it. I turned the page, again nothing stood out, so I sat back and flipped through the entire book, stopping here and there for a quick read. My paper was due in a couple weeks and I’m a fast reader, but saw it was impossible to read the entire Bible quickly. “And,” I asked myself, “why would I want to as I’m only interested in a few things such as God’s character? I don’t need to know everything in it!” 

“Mom, can you help me?” I posed to her the next afternoon on the phone. “Has Noel shared with you his doubts about God?” He had, so I explained my idea and the trouble I was having with the Bible. She agreed to help, and Googled some verses for me. Her need to Google answers also surprised me as I’d always considered my parents to be experts in our religion.

I wrote my paper. Looking back I can see this paper was not about the God of the Bible Himself, but rather a logical argument for the existence of a God, slightly informed by ideas from the Bible. I was confused by this distinction at the time.

A few years prior my mom had sent me a book by A. W. Tozer called Knowing God, which brings together two key facets of the Christian faith—knowing about God and knowing God through a close relationship with Jesus Christ. The book confused me so much I didn’t finish it at the time.

Unsettled by my obvious lack of expertise on the subject of God, this experience left me with doubts. Small doubts. Not about God, but rather doubts that I knew as much as I thought I did. Friday afternoon I finished my paper, sat back and scanned my room. Sunlight flooded in, and I lifted my eyes to the bookshelf. My Bible, unread, sat where I’d left it.

Maybe I should read the Bible. Was this something all Christians do? I didn’t know, and with my paper finished it seemed less important. Then I reconsidered. Pulling it from the shelf I determined to become knowledgeable for real. I would try harder!

Less than a week later I was defeated. My plan had been to read the Bible daily, and I failed immediately. After a week I didn’t want to continue because I found the Bible to be boring, and I didn’t understand it.

It was then Jesus caused me to pray and ask Him for help. It felt like a nudge. I never would have done so on my own. As I returned the Bible to my bookshelf with a sigh, pushing the spine with my finger, I felt guilty, yet relieved I’d given up. “God, if You want me to read it, You’ll have to make me want to because I don’t like it.” With that, I left the room and forgot all about it. Jesus didn’t forget; this was part of His plan.

Months passed. Christmas arrived and with it special treats. A mission donated paper grocery bags filled with goodies and Bible studies to the prison. After Christmas dinner in the cafeteria I excitedly made my way to the exit, watching women receive a gift bag and looking forward to mine. Every year we received some small thing but this was the biggest gift bag ever!

Practically running back to my room with my bag I imagined all the good things that must be inside, cookies, candies, snacks! The nice man who had delivered the bags had been smiling and kind. I wanted to hug him and I hoped he would return every year.

Back in my room I dumped out the bag onto my bed, unwrapping a candy bar as I ran my hands over large bags of chips and treats. This could last for a month!

At the bottom of the bag Jesus directed my attention to the religious booklets, which normally I would avoid. Pulling one out at random I plopped on the bed. Chewing, I flipped to the first page. “Sinners will not enjoy heaven…,” I read. ‘That’s the weirdest thing I ever heard!’ I thought. ‘Isn’t the definition of heaven “whatever we think is wonderful”?’ I puzzled and pulled the book closer, putting down the candy. “Heaven is what God thinks is wonderful, and sinners do not naturally enjoy what God loves,” the book explained. “Well that seems true,” I admitted. “I didn’t like the Bible, and I didn’t like church. But I want to go to heaven! And I want to like it!” Intrigued, I picked up my candy and took another bite, chewing thoughtfully. Jesus continued to keep my attention on the booklets.

“God is the main character of the Bible, not man,” the booklet continued. Captivated, I wondered. ‘Is that true?’ It didn’t ring true for me but I wondered. I pulled out a different booklet, this one about tithing – giving money to your church. I turned the page and was angered to read, “If you don’t tithe you are stealing from God.” I was stung, as I did not tithe. This was insulting! Feeling challenged, I set everything aside for later.

The new year arrived, January 2016, and the prison went on lockdown which meant everyone was confined to their room 24 hours a day. Lockdowns can occur due to short staffing, emergencies, or holidays. Inmates are not always told the reason for the lockdown.

This particular lockdown continued for more than a week, outlasting my seven library books. Jesus drew my attention on day eight to the Bible still on my shelf. ‘This is awful’ I thought, ‘stuck in here with nothing else to read!’ My TV sat on the counter below the bookshelf, but Jesus kept my focus on the Bible. I reluctantly reached for the most boring book in the world. Reclining on my bed I opened the Bible and wondered, ‘Was God truly the main character?’ as I began to read. Jesus chose this moment to reveal Himself and His love for me. Unlike a few months ago, the Bible immediately captivated me. It was the most interesting book I ever read.

I read, and… Lunch passed, I missed it. Dinner came and went but I didn’t notice. ‘Was I a thief? Is God the main character?’ These thoughts and more kept me company as I devoured the pages. Jesus opened my heart to thrill at His Words!

Morning found me confused about my experience the day before. ‘The Bible is boring and old,’ I recalled as I sought to explain what happened. ‘Perhaps yesterday I read parts I never saw before,’ I rationalized. ‘I’ll read again today and when I get to the boring parts I’ll know I’m not crazy.’ Plan formed, I again read the day away, and Jesus gripped my thoughts from the start. My sinful resistance was at war with Jesus. Lovingly He overcame it with His power.

The third day I had another talk with myself, now a bit frightened because my experience was in direct contradiction to what I’d been taught in my Baptist church, which frowned on demonstrative and emotionally charged experiences. ‘God is not an emotional experience,’ I reasoned. ‘What is going on here?’

Jesus responded to my heart, “I know all the letters you’ve written to your children, letters that often go unread. I know how much you love your children. Holly, you are My child. Read My Word.”

I was filled with wonder and fear. Jesus loves me, wants to reveal His love to me through His Word. He was using this especially meaningful way to show me. I wrote many letters to my children and frequently called them; nevertheless a disconnect formed between us. They didn’t always read my letters, and didn’t always want to talk. This distance was compounded by the people surrounding my children, people who told them who and what they thought I was.

My children remained unaware of this disconnect, but it became noticeable to me during our calls. It was painful. My powerlessness became more acute, because I could not get them to read my letters, which would help.

In a similar way, Jesus had written thousands of pages, pouring out His heart, His plans, what He would do, what He thinks, His character. He was also available to me through conversation anytime but I’d dismissed it all as unimportant, insisting I knew the truth about Him already.

Today Jesus was doing for me what I could not due for my children – creating in me motivation to read His words. I was staggered to realize Jesus wanted me to know and love Him too. I felt wanted, valued!

C.S. Lewis describes shallow faith in his biographical book Surprised by Joy. When he was a child his mother became ill. He prayed for her recovery and when she nevertheless died he prayed for a miracle. He describes this as his first religious experience: “The thing hadn’t worked, but I was used to things not working, and I thought no more about it. I think the truth is that the belief into which I had hypnotized myself was itself too irreligious for its failure to cause any religious revolution. I had approached God, or my idea of God, without love, without awe, even without fear. He was, in my mental picture of this miracle, to appear neither as Savior nor as Judge, but merely as a magician; and when He had done what was required of Him I supposed He would simply – well, go away. It never crossed my mind that the tremendous contact which I solicited should have any consequences beyond restoring the status quo.”

A few days later, as I walked through the courtyard I saw a familiar face. Eliza was carrying a laundry bag out of the Core building. “Eliza!” I shouted and waved. I had not seen her in years, but true to her lifestyle, she was back in prison. Peering across the courtyard she spotted me. She waved back. I hurried over. We caught up briefly before she parted for her unit. My life was changing. Jesus would also use Eliza’s return to spark a memory and play a part.

The person who has My commands and keeps them is the one who really loves Me; and whoever really loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I too will love him and will show (reveal, manifest) Myself to him. I will let Myself be clearly seen by him and make Myself real to him. John 14:21

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  1. Holly describes a moment when her son expresses doubts about God. Have you ever experienced a similar situation or had doubts about your beliefs? How did you handle it?
  2. Holly talks about her personality type (INTJ) and its emphasis on logic and fact. Do you think personality traits influence one’s approach to faith and belief?
  3. Holly shares her experience with prayer and a seemingly miraculous event involving a dirt bike. How do you interpret such events in the context of faith and belief in God? Have you ever had a similar experience?
  4. Holly struggles with reading the Bible and initially finds it boring. Have you ever faced similar challenges in engaging with religious texts? How did you overcome them, if at all?
  5. Holly receives booklets about various religious topics during a prison lockdown. How do you react to the concepts presented in these booklets, such as sinners not enjoying heaven and tithing as not stealing from God?
  6. Holly reflects on her relationship with God and compares it to her children’s perception of her. How do preconceived notions affect our understanding of others, whether human or divine?

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