My release from prison was growing close, but God still had some important lessons for me. In 2013 I had been granted in person visiting privileges with my children, however I had not been removed from the list of Predatory Offenders. Removal from the list was the final step one could achieve in visiting privilege appeals. Since 2013 I had appealed for my removal every year, and been denied. By 2015 I had an impressive list of classes, programs and certifications completed. I was also discipline free. I could not understand the continued denial, so I wrote a long, persuasive essay (I guess 2015 was the year for those!) as a part of my appeal, including my list of accomplishments. I was denied, and appealed the denial, going up the chain of command all the way to the warden. Finally I appealed to the DOC Commissioner, who simply sent my letter back to the warden. She again denied my appeal. I was angry and defeated. I was especially frustrated. Then a Lt. came to see me. He was the chair of the Abuse Review Committee, the panel that reviews visiting privileges. Ushering me into an office he sat at a desk, facing me.
“Holly, I want to tell you something. You will never win your appeal to be removed from the Predatory Offenders list. No sex offender has ever been removed from the list. We don’t do it. Yes, I agree you have done an impressive amount of work, but here’s how we think of it. What if we remove you from the list and afterwards you go and do something stupid? That would make us look foolish and we’re not willing to take that chance. Besides, your kids haven’t visited you in years! Are they planning a visit soon?” He sat back and watched my reaction. I was stunned.
“No they are not, but what does that have to do with it? If I’m safe, I’m safe regardless of their return. If I’m not safe, their return doesn’t change things. Are you saying I should quit trying?” I asked.
“No, I’m not saying that. You should continue to appeal every year as usual. It’s not mandatory, but if you believe you have earned removal from the list you should continue to appeal our decision.” He leaned forward again and spoke slower, punctuating each word, “I am saying that you will never, and I mean never, win your appeal. It’s Impossible, So Stop Trying So Hard.”
Utterly defeated I left the office. I took his advice. After that I stopped trying so hard. Every year after that I submitted my appeal without argument, merely sent a kite (institutional mail) stating, “It’s me again. I’m appealing my visiting privileges. Please remove me from the Predatory Offenders list.” Every year I received a denial. The summer of 2018 rolled around and I had 4 months left before release. The kids had not returned in all this time, and it seemed very unlikely that would change over the next 4 months. I sent in my final appeal and waited.
The hearing, set for August, was put off for a month. The committee was being headed by a new Lt and needed time to adjust. When I heard who the new head of the committee was I laughed in despair. I had only met him once, and it wasn’t a good experience.
Walking to the chow hall one winter afternoon, I waited in line for my turn. Up ahead I saw an unfamiliar guard, and as I passed him he pulled me and 3 other women out of line. “Where are your ID badges?” he asked. My blue prison coat was zipped up to my chin. Unzipping it I pulled my badge off of my shirt collar. The other women did the same. “Why are you wearing your badge under your coat?” he demanded. It was a rhetorical question. He allowed us back in line after a stern lecture and I never saw him again. He was the new head of the appeals process. ‘Great, just great,’ I thought when I heard.
In September the committee again didn’t meet, and my appeal was put off until October. I laughed to myself when I heard. If I ever had a chance, I have none at all now. Why would they make such a decision two months before my release? With that I put it from my mind.
One day in October I opened my mailbox, as I did every morning, to find my kite returned. Stapled to it was the committee’s decision regarding my appeal. I almost didn’t bother to read it, but as I pulled it out of the mailbox slot it popped open a bit and I could see the contents, briefly. More slowly I unfolded the paper, uncomprehending. At the top it said, “Appeal granted. Offender has been removed from the Predatory Offender list.” I stared in absolute shock, my heart pounding. God was showing once again that He is in charge, and He will fight for me. Nothing is impossible with God! I shouted with joy and danced to my room, so grateful!
