An avid reader, I usually carried a library book with me wherever I went. Now, however, it was my Bible I couldn’t put down. I stopped checking out library books altogether, instead fascinated by God’s Word.
My friend Khoua, who had the previous year loaned me the book about the power of the Holy Spirit had also been reading the booklets given at Christmas. She professed to be a Christian and was deeply impressed by what she read. “If you don’t tithe you are stealing from God!” she quoted to me one day and I had read the same thing of course.
True or not, it seemed an impossible command for someone like me. All my life I never had enough money. Jesus now encouraged me to try giving money to charity. He helped me set aside a tenth of my wages. He strengthened my will and resolve to follow through. This was another exciting beginning!
It wasn’t long in my reading before I came across the book of Ephesians. Chapter one starts this way: “just as [in His love] He chose us in Christ [actually selected us for Himself as His own] before the foundation of the world … He predestined and lovingly planned for us to be adopted to Himself.” It did not fit in with my understanding of God or salvation so I decided to ignore it.
Jumping to chapter two I began to read again when Jesus stopped me. “Holly, I have created in you a desire to learn about me, and I have given you ability to obey me. I will teach you what chapter one means. Go back and read it.”
Stunned, I considered this truth. “I’m so sorry, Jesus. Please teach me.” I read again “in His love He chose us in Christ [actually selected us for Himself as His own] before the foundation of the world.”
Jesus suddenly sent an image into my mind. The vast dark universe with its many stars swirled before my eyes. I floated in space and felt small. After a moment time reversed with great speed, stars and planets whirling past. Just like that everything halted and creation week surrounded me, everything new. It was beautiful and exciting. ‘Before the foundation of the world,’ Jesus whispered.to me, and time reversed again around me, to nothingness. I was in a time without time, eternity past, creation merely an unspoken plan. Surrounded by nothing Jesus said to me now, “Yes, here. This is when I planned My adoption of you. I love you.”
I was overwhelmed with grief for every moment I’d spent apart from Jesus, and staggered by a feeling of intense love from Him. I could not fathom love as great as this. And then He filled me with love for Him in return. Over and over I grieved wasted years. He gently reminded me of the truth of His love, His great power to redeem and save me.
A.W. Tozer says in his book Voice of a Prophet, “You have a right to be consciously aware of meeting God…I charge that in the modern evangelical church we are not consciously aware of a Presence. We are not consciously aware of God. We do not hear His voice; we hear only a recording of His voice. We do not see God’s face; we see only a painting of His face. We hear not the sound of His voice; we hear but an echo of that sound. We are always once removed from God. When we stop looking at a picture of God and begin looking at God; when we stop hearing the echo and hear God’s voice itself; when instead of having God in history we have Him in experience, we will begin to know what Abram knew when he fell on his face before God.”
This spiritual bankruptcy was true of me before 2016. I had no conscious awareness of Jesus’ Presence. Now I hungered for more of Him.
Anger and rage, however, remained a stubborn sin for me. Many years ago when I was 17 years old, I had run away from home and stayed with a friend, sleeping on their family’s couch. One morning they told me I’d been loudly cursing in my sleep and I was surprised. At prison I’d also woken roommates in the middle of the night the same way. I had nightmares of conflict and pain. I once read that depression can manifest as anger. That resonated with me. I was not sad, but mad, so mad I felt paralyzed into inaction. I didn’t realize how severe my rage was until given medication in prison as an antidepressant booster and I did feel better. I also stopped having angry nightmares and swearing loudly in my sleep.
There was one big problem. This extra medication had serious side effects, causing me to have tremors. Reluctantly I stopped taking it, and the rage returned. This is when I started to realize the intensity of my anger, with its elimination and return. Rage seemed to me less an emotion than a state of being. Anger was energizing. I didn’t realize how empowering I believed anger to be.
Sitting on my bed after work in March, I read the Bible as I waited for dinner to be called. At times I have spiritual amnesia. Jesus does something wonderful and I quickly forget it. I came to these verses and after a quick scan I skipped them (yep, skipping verses again already): “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Ephesians 4:31
It sounded so difficult to do. I’d been trying for decades to stop my anger! It was impossible. Before I could read another verse Jesus spoke to me, “Do you love me, Holly?”
“Absolutely!” I answered Him.
“Do you need me? Is a relationship with me vital to you?” He asked.
That’s a whole other question, a whole other level. Despite that this question was even easier to answer. I imagined my life prior to 2016: unloved, without purpose, no ability to obey Jesus. Horrible! “Jesus, I definitely need you!” I answered.
“Do you love and need Me more than you love and need your anger, bitterness, desires for revenge?” Jesus continued. “You cannot love us both at the same time.”
Even as it pained me, I did love my anger. Whenever I was upset I’d brood, imagining crushing the spirits of people who’d hurt me. I’d picture their defeat and feel validated. I’d be saying goodbye to a familiar friend.
I didn’t hesitate long. “Jesus, I choose You,” I told Him.
I was not expecting an immediate answer, but before I opened my eyes, the room lit up like the brightest day. I saw this through my eyelids. At the same moment an enormous weight lifted from in or on me, and painful tension disappeared from my body. It was as if I’d lived life physically constricted in a tight shell and was now free.
This happened so fast I was confused. Today I believe it was a rageful demonic presence Jesus delivered me from. “But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.” James 3:14-15
I had never heard of this happening to anyone and as I sat wondering I discovered other things were different.
During past times of brooding anger I’d perfect imaginary lectures designed to shame my enemies. My memorized hate lectures took up actual space in my mind like a constant awareness, ever accessible. My lectures were missing, inaccessible, gone!
Like a tongue seeking the empty space of a pulled tooth, I mentally searched for my hate list. Where were my lectures? Usually I was easily triggered to brood, but I felt nothing. I was not emotionally numb, but rather calm and free.
I didn’t think to ask Jesus what had happened. I wasn’t used to the impossible becoming possible in an instant. I thought I’d try harder to be good or something.
I decided to put things to the ultimate test, calling my mother. If this was a temporary high, a conversation with Mom would return me to reality. She was my biggest trigger.
My entire life I’d been a crisis in need of help. I usually turned to my parents for rescue. When we disagreed I fixated on how to change their minds. Their help and approval was necessary to my identity. Without it, I felt invalidated.
Jesus spoke before I could get up, “Holly, I can change a person’s heart and mind without help. Think about your experiences with Me recently. Did I use another person to reach you? I did not.”
This was true! While many people had shared the gospel with me during my life, none of them had convinced me to read the Bible or obey Jesus. No one had tried for years.
This profoundly affected me. Something else seemed to loosen from my heart. Now Jesus asked, “Call your parents, but leave their hearts in My hands. Do not rely anymore on them for help. I am your rescue. Trust Me.”
Suddenly I became eager to trust Jesus! Stepping out of my room I walked to the phone. My mom answered. Normally, just hearing her voice put me on alert, but this time everything was different. I was at peace!
Over the next several months new crisis would arise and my first thought would be to call my parents for help. Each time Jesus whispered, “Trust Me, rely on Me.” My excessive reliance on my parents diminished, eventually disappearing altogether.
While I might get angry in the future, my rage which had been a constant burden, never returned.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
- Navigating Challenges: Can you recall a time in your life when you faced a difficult situation during a special occasion or holiday? How did you navigate through it, and what insights did you gain from the experience?
- Embracing New Beginnings: Have you ever felt hesitant or uncertain about starting something new, similar to the Holly’s initial hesitation in reading the Bible? How did you overcome any reservations, and what positive outcomes emerged from embracing the new experience?
- Connections Across Distances: If you’ve ever been away from loved ones during significant moments, how did you maintain a sense of connection? What strategies or practices helped you cope with the distance and find meaning in those moments?
- Exploring Beliefs: Reflecting on your beliefs about spirituality or personal growth, are there aspects that you find challenging to understand or accept? How do you approach exploring and deepening your understanding of these beliefs?
- Overcoming Bias: Considering the theme of confirmation bias, can you think of a time when your beliefs or perceptions were challenged, and you had to overcome preconceived notions? How did this experience contribute to your personal growth?
- Evolution of Beliefs: Have there been significant shifts in your beliefs or perspectives over time? How did these changes impact your sense of self, and what lessons did you learn during this period of personal evolution?
- Impact on Relationships: Personal growth can sometimes influence our relationships. Reflect on a time when your evolving beliefs or personal development affected your connections with others. What insights did you gain about yourself and your relationships?
- Acknowledging Growth: In your journey of personal and spiritual exploration, have you ever experienced a moment of clarity or insight that left a lasting impact? How did this awareness contribute to your sense of personal growth?
- Cultivating Humility: The passage touches on the theme of humility and pride. Can you share a personal experience where humility played a significant role in your interactions with others? How did this experience shape your understanding of humility?
- Gentle Self-Reflection: Reflecting on Holly’s acknowledgment of personal challenges, can you identify aspects of your own journey where self-reflection and gentleness were key to overcoming obstacles? How do you cultivate a compassionate approach to your own growth?
READ MORE
- Chapter 29: FREEDOM
Click to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]I began counting down the days to my release date, which is also referred to as an SRD (Supervised Release Date) or simply ‘out date.’ Inmates have their own counting systems. The most popular one is ‘___ days and a wake-up’, such as ‘6 days and a… Read more: Chapter 29: FREEDOM - Chapter 28: THE IMPOSSIBLEClick to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]My release from prison was growing close, but God still had some important lessons for me. In 2013 I had been granted in person visiting privileges with my children, however I had not been removed from the list of Predatory Offenders. Removal from the list was the… Read more: Chapter 28: THE IMPOSSIBLE
- Chapter 27: PREPARING FOR RELEASEClick to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]When God first began His good work in me, not everyone was pleased. My parents, in particular, were offended. After several weeks spent reading the Bible, I called my parents. “Mom! I read the entire New Testament!” I told her. She didn’t believe me, thinking I was attention seeking.… Read more: Chapter 27: PREPARING FOR RELEASE
- Chapter 26: PPCGClick to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]Click to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]
- Chapter 25: SYLVIAClick to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]Click to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]
- Chapter 24: BACK IN SEGClick to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]Click to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]
- Chapter 23: STOLEN CANTEENClick to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]Click to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]
- Chapter 22: THE PSYCH REPORTClick to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]Click to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]
- Chapter 21: APOLOGIESClick to rate this post! [Total: 1 Average: 5]Click to rate this post! [Total: 1 Average: 5]
