A battle was on the horizon, one I hoped to avoid. I was reaching out to every family member, friend and organization I remembered, trying to find a place for Tim to live outside of foster care. It was May 2016 and 13 year-old Tim had been in foster care for a miserable 2 and half years.
When Timmy first went to foster care, a state provided lawyer encouraged me to sign a waiver of my parental rights, telling me, “This form is given to every parent with a child in foster care. Sign it. It will make him more adoptable to parents looking to avoid the hassle of a child who has legal family ties. It doesn’t remove your parental rights, it shows your intention to surrender them if it comes to that.” It sounded horrible to me, I wanted legal ties to Tim! ‘I am still facing 5 more years in prison,’ I reminded myself; so I signed the waiver. Now, however, I was hardened, different. Defiance raised its head.
So far, Timmy had cycled through many foster and group homes. Occasionally Social Services wouldn’t have a home for Timmy at all, and his entire day would be spent sitting at the Social Services offices, his backpack at his feet. Those times he’d spend the night at an “emergency” foster home and be back the next day at Social Services, sitting at the office again. He’d also been placed in not quite right settings, such as group homes for older teenage boys with behavior problems, which concerned me greatly.
Ending another call with a relative, I hung up the phone disappointed. Returning to my room, I reviewed the latest report from Social Services. My heart ached for Tim as I read the results of Social Service’s latest reunification plan, a strategic plan of action designed to safely return Tim home to his father. It said, “Tim’s father agreed for the third time (the first two plans failed) to another 6-month family reunification plan in which he must attend Tim’s medical appointments. He never followed through.”
I squeezed the report in my hand, crumpled it into a ball and threw it across the room. Poor Tim, desperately lonely and wanting to go home! Tim was told the details of any reunification plan. I’m sure Tim looked forward to seeing his dad at his doctor appointments, a first step in going home. I pictured Timmy in the doctor’s waiting room looking for his dad, hopefully watching the door, staring at the clock. My heart broke as I imagined the appointment time growing closer and then passing altogether, Timmy alone with a caseworker.
What would Tim be telling himself? How does one make that feel better? Timmy’s doctor appointments could be physically painful. How much worse as time and again it would be compounded by abandonment and rejection. Three identical reunification plans. Three identical failures. Hope obliterated in a child. Abandoned, rejected. Horrible. I picked the report back up and smoothed the now wrinkled pages. ‘Maybe I’ll need it someday to prove Chad is awful!’ I thought. I set it on the growing stack of reports in my closet.
Social Services also caused Tim trauma. Last September Brian, Timmy’s caseworker, refused to give Timmy the mail I sent him. This went on for months. During the same time period Brian also refused to facilitate my visits with Tim. Brian nevertheless continually reported through Social Services to the courts that Tim was receiving both. It was a scary time, one I fought hard to fix.
Tim had been unaware stacks of mail from his mom were piled up on his caseworker’s desk. Tim was also unaware his caseworker had obstructed visits from his mom. What Tim did know was his dad, who lived nearby, had stopped visiting him a while ago and now it appeared to Tim his mom didn’t want to write or call anymore either. This felt to Tim like both of his parents had abandoned him without warning.
Just as Jesus became real to me in January 2016, I reported Brian’s lies to the court. I also asked my lawyer to revoke the parental rights waiver I’d signed. I wanted to give Tim hope for the future and make my release plans with him in it.
Social Services officially responded and set a trial date for September to terminate our parental rights with Tim. Devastated, I called Brian, who said, “Listen, we are moving to terminate Chad’s rights no matter what. You, however, can keep your rights if you find a home for him in Minnesota. But,” Brian threatened, “if you don’t move him out of Washington to Minnesota and your rights are terminated in September, your relationship with him will be totally severed – no letters, no calls, nothing until he’s 18 years old. Your family too! Nothing!” Brian finished.
I started calling everyone I knew, certain Tim would be out of foster care soon. I felt a new joy and hope! This was doable and I assumed God’s hand was in it, fighting for us. I didn’t ask Jesus if this was true, at first. I wasn’t used to talking with Him yet.
I had made at least a hundred phone calls, and everyone so far said, “No.” Other women gave me referrals to organizations who helped children of parents in prison. Tim, however, was either too old (by a year), or I was going to be in prison longer than their standard guidelines (6 months too long), or there was always some other reason I was being told no with a heartfelt, “I’m really sorry.”
“Jesus!” I prayed many times between January and May, “please lead me to the person who will joyfully take Tim.” I still hadn’t asked Him if this was His plan, because I assumed it must be. While I was getting to know Jesus during this time, I still had upside down beliefs. My happiness was situational. Jesus was about to dethrone circumstances in my heart.
Walking back to my room I prepared myself for my next phone call with Tim. In January I’d been excited to tell him about Minnesota. Now I was almost sorry I had. My failure seemed to confirm for him that no one, literally no one in America wanted him at all, except his mom in prison who couldn’t help him.
That night as I read my Bible Jesus would change everything again. In the book of Matthew I stumbled to a halt as I read chapter ten. Jesus says in verse 37: “He who loves and takes more pleasure in father or mother more than in Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves and takes more pleasure in son or daughter more than in Me is not worthy of Me.”
Suddenly Jesus asked me loudly, “If I terminate your parental rights, will you still love Me?” My reaction was visceral. I nearly threw up and shook my head in denial. Jesus asked again, this time more forcefully, “Will you still love Me?”
“God!!” I screamed in my head. “I hate the very idea!” My thoughts raced, ‘God would never do something like this, would He?’ Panic set in. I mentally returned to the padded cell, fractured, uncertain of everyone I thought I knew.
Jesus interrupted my memory, “Holly, I am good, My plans are good, and My promises are true.” A new mental movie formed as Jesus and I stood before a huge mountain. “This mountain represents your old life, your old beliefs,” He said firmly. “It includes your ideas about Me.” As He said this the mountain began to crumble and tilt. Within seconds it collapsed completely in a terrific crash. Physically I felt the absence of it. It felt like regret. It felt like hope. Jesus remained steady beside me.
A verse appeared in the sky where the mountain had been: “Roll your works upon the Lord commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and so shall your plans be established and succeed.” Proverbs 16:3 (AMPC)
“Do you believe I can do this?” He turned and asked me now.
“Jesus, I want to believe You can.” I whispered. The mental movie ended with a snap. I tentatively thought about God having plans. “Jesus,” I argued, “I know the Bible says ‘all things work together for good to those who believe.’ I thought this meant You changed a bad circumstance into a good one, a happy one, but my life is still burning down!!”
“I know,” He replied. “I’m the arsonist. I started this fire. I’ve been in control of it all along. I’m burning away all that has kept your heart from Me.” He waited for that to sink in.
“Holly, how would you define ‘good’?” Jesus challenged.
I suddenly recalled the booklet about heaven, and my confusion over it. With a small voice I replied, “Whatever I think makes me happy?” I now doubted this was right, but didn’t know what else it could be.
“Well, then how do you think I would define it?” Jesus responded, his eyebrow arched in amusement.
Ok good point. But didn’t we have the same idea of happiness? “Nope,” Jesus said, reading my thoughts. “Your happiness revolves around things. Mine revolves around people. You focus on circumstances. I focus on relationships. I want a great relationship with You!”
I had never been good at relationships. Circumstances got in the way. If I wasn’t happy, nobody better be happy. I tried to imagine a relationship so great it overcame hardships. “Jesus, I hate the idea of losing Tim. I believe Your plans are good. If this is Your plan, to terminate my rights,” my stomach rolled, “today I hate it. But I want to love Your plans. Help me.” I wept as I tried to accept this new possibility.
Throughout the summer, Jesus answered my prayer. One afternoon He changed my perspective with an analogy. “Holly,” He said, “I want you to imagine yourself before prison. You are at home with your family.”
“Ok,” I answered, and a picture formed in my mind.
“Now,” Jesus said, “while you are home you need to run a quick errand in the car.”
This used to happen all the time. “Got it,” I said. In the past, if I went to the store I would take my kids with me because I enjoy their company. I added them to my mental movie.
“I know the future,” Jesus continued. “What if I told you a terrible car crash would happen to you on the way to the store? Would you still go?”
“No!” I answered. “I would stay home.”
“What if I didn’t tell you about the car crash, and instead simply told you to stay home. Would you stay home then?” Jesus asked.
I wasn’t sure. If I did remain home in this circumstance I might do so with an attitude of resentment. Or I might be defiant and go anyway. ‘Nobody tells me what to do,’ is what I might think. I thought about that, realizing if I rebelled and went with my kids, my disobedience would harm them too in this imaginary scenario. I shuddered.
“Trust Me with your future, and Tim’s future,” Jesus said now. “Let go of defiance and trust that I am good. My plans for you are good, Holly, and My promises are true. Read in My Word: ‘And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.'” (Romans 8:28)
With this conversation and many others Jesus taught me to trust Him. My heartache eased even as the future remained uncertain.
At trial in September, my parental rights were terminated but I did not lose heart, although I was crushed. Jesus calmed my heart and gave me strength to believe.
I did appeal the decision, which took another year. I no longer had contact with Tim and prayed he was alright. I lost that appeal as well.
There is a joyful end to this battle. A year after I lost my appeal, Timmy was 16 years old, and I hadn’t talked to him in 2 years. I would be released from prison in a month and Jesus was about to perform the impossible again.
Calling my parents one afternoon my mom said, “I have some great news! I received a call from Tim’s foster mom. She is a case worker at social services and Tim has lived there for a year. In an effort to get him off the foster care cycle of homes she’s offered to adopt him herself. Tim has agreed on two conditions. First, that he keep his last name, and second, that he immediately be allowed contact with his mom and dad. They must remain his parents in truth. She called me because he’s waiting now for your call! Here’s the phone number.”
I burst into tears! “Thank you Jesus!! Thank you!” Hands shaking, I dialed the number and had a wonderful conversation with Renee, Tim’s foster mom. She is kind and was a pleasure to meet. Then I was finally reunited with Tim! I was overjoyed! A month later the prison released me, and plans were made for Tim to fly out to me for Christmas. He lives with me as I write this today!
Jesus is so, so good!!! I urge you to trust Him with your life today.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
- Reflecting on Holly’s decision to start tithing, even with limited financial resources, have you ever experienced the tension between financial obligations and personal beliefs or values? How did you navigate that tension?
- Holly experiences a profound shift in her understanding of responsibility and faith after reading a verse from the Bible. Have you ever had an experience where a religious or spiritual text profoundly impacted your perspective or behavior?
- Holly struggles with feelings of hatred towards her husband, yet ultimately decides to send him a child support check as an act of obedience to her faith. Have you ever experienced a conflict between personal feelings and a sense of moral or religious obligation? How did you resolve that conflict?
- Reflecting on Holly’s journey towards obedience and accountability, how do you think personal growth and change can be facilitated even in challenging circumstances? What role do faith, personal values, and support networks play in this process?
- Considering the verse from Luke 16:10 (“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much…”), how do you interpret the relationship between integrity in small matters and trustworthiness in larger ones? Can you think of any personal examples that illustrate this principle?
READ MORE…
- Be a Member of the Book Launch Team!COMING SOON! 12.10.2025 👉 What you’ll do: 👉 Why it matters:Your voice will help the book get seen and make a bigger impact than I could ever do on my own. 👉 How to join: After you fill out the form, I’ll send you the advance copy along with links and resources to make it… Read more: Be a Member of the Book Launch Team!
- Chapter 29: FREEDOM
I began counting down the days to my release date, which is also referred to as an SRD (Supervised Release Date) or simply ‘out date.’ Inmates have their own counting systems. The most popular one is ‘___ days and a wake-up’, such as ‘6 days and a wake-up.’ One does not include today or the… Read more: Chapter 29: FREEDOM - Chapter 28: THE IMPOSSIBLEMy release from prison was growing close, but God still had some important lessons for me. In 2013 I had been granted in person visiting privileges with my children, however I had not been removed from the list of Predatory Offenders. Removal from the list was the final step one could achieve in visiting privilege… Read more: Chapter 28: THE IMPOSSIBLE
- Chapter 27: PREPARING FOR RELEASEWhen God first began His good work in me, not everyone was pleased. My parents, in particular, were offended. After several weeks spent reading the Bible, I called my parents. “Mom! I read the entire New Testament!” I told her. She didn’t believe me, thinking I was attention seeking. My parents seemed so religious growing up, and… Read more: Chapter 27: PREPARING FOR RELEASE
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- Chapter 24: BACK IN SEGClick to rate this post! [Total: 0 Average: 0]
