Introduction: Get to know From Surviving to Living!
by Holly | May 1, 2023 | Life During | 0 Comments
A brief note or two for first time visitors. First, welcome! I'm so glad to see you! Are you in need of rescue? Here is my rescue story. I share it because I know it can be your story too! It is my prayer that every post lead you one step closer in your walk with Jesus today. There is no right or wrong way to read this blook. Read the posts in any order you desire! The "Blook like a blog" page...
Chapter 1: BEFORE
by Holly | May 30, 2023 | Before 2010, Life Before | 0 Comments
When I was 8 years old I told my little brother, Randy, that he wasn’t a real member of our family. The police had come to the door one day with a baby and told my parents, “If he gives you any trouble, let us know. We’ll come back and get him.” It wasn’t true, of course, but he didn’t know that. I’d spent the afternoon listening to records of Bill Cosby doing stand-up comedy. Bill said he’d...
Chapter 2: JAIL
by Holly | June 1, 2023 | 2010, Life Before | 0 Comments
I was arrested in March 2010. Again I heard the familiar questions, “What were you thinking? Why did you do that?” I had long believed myself to be the source of conflict in our family. Our family's shared religious beliefs, strong convictions, and high expectations defined a good person. I was an unlikable failure who nevertheless cried out for attention and love. I was an embarrassment. Have...
Chapter 3: BAIL, SENTENCING, & PRISON INTAKE
by Holly | June 1, 2023 | 2010, 2011, Life Before | 0 Comments
A year passed after I was first arrested in 2010 before I was sentenced and sent to prison. During this year I served 3 months in county jail, was released on bail, and had many court hearings. I passed the year in a mental fog, in such a haze I was even unaware I was a mental zombie. I greatly feared possible sentencing outcomes but did nothing to prevent them and very little to prepare myself...
Chapter 4: ORIENTATION (CHANGE, SHOCK & AWE, SUICIDE WATCH)
by Holly | June 1, 2023 | 2010, Life During | 0 Comments
I have said I was unaware previously that I needed to change. What does that mean? I believed myself to be a good person or at least a person who understood what good is, even if I lacked the ability to consistently and reliably perform it. I felt I had a good moral compass, even if I was no example of it. If I could tell you what was right, wasn't I ...right? Does this sound familiar? What...
Chapter 5: A PADDED ROOM (THE PICKLE SUIT)
by Holly | June 2, 2023 | 2010, Life During | 0 Comments
Suicide watch in Shakopee takes place in the facility's segregation unit. While inmates are most often taken to seg for disciplinary reasons, suicide watch and health concerns are other reasons why segregation is also used for administrative detention. It was October, 2011. Seven months had slid by since my arrival at prison. Entering prison I sensed my life had hit rock bottom. No. No, no, no,...
Chapter 6: WoW
by Holly | June 10, 2023 | 2011, Life During | 0 Comments
In October 2011, as I waited to be released from seg, I received a kite (internal institutional mail) from the director of Shakopee's Women of Wellness program (WoW). She invited me to participate in the six week "in-patient" mental health program. Already terminated from my job because of my disciplinary seg time I was eager to go! I felt drained and wished to effect some small measure of...
Chapter 7: General Assembly (Burning Rubber)
by Holly | June 17, 2023 | 2010, Life During | 0 Comments
It is November 2011. I finished the WoW program and became eligible for the workforce. Nervously I checked my mail daily, waiting for a job assignment. I'd been fired from my last job so I could not choose the next one. It would be assigned to me based on the needs of the prison. It could be anything. Starting wages varied from 25 to 50 cents an hour and top pay ranged from one to two dollars. A...
Chapter 8: RING TOSS & DOPPELGANGERS
by Holly | June 25, 2023 | 2011, Life During | 0 Comments
I began my job in General Assembly the end of November 2011. Also called Rubber, it was housed in a large warehouse building shared by several educational and industry job opportunities. There were 2 main jobs - ring inspections and cutting rubber. Rings were actually gaskets needing quality control inspections. Cutting rubber involved trimming excess rubber from molded car parts. The room was...
Chapter 9: NO PIE & SIX MONTHS NO SHOWER
by Holly | December 29, 2023 | 2011, 2012, Life During | 0 Comments
It was January 2012 and I worked in General Assembly inspecting gaskets at base pay, 50 cents an hour. PIE work, given out on seniority, paid $4-$6 per hour. I set my sights on top pay and planned. I didn't have long to wait. One afternoon prison guards entered, strolled through the room and halted at a nearby desk. A co-worker doing PIE work peered up in surprise. I held my breath and waited. I...
Chapter 10: SEX OFFENDER (SO) TREATMENT
by Holly | December 30, 2023 | 2012, 2013, Life During | 0 Comments
Told the program would remove barriers and open doors to privileges, I began in December 2012 with an attitude problem. The intake process began with psychological testing. Afterwards I sulked in the treatment director's office, arms crossed, sullen. Noticing my posture the she wondered, "You look upset." Miserable, I explained, "I don't understand why I need sex offender treatment. This is...
Chapter 11: UNINTENDED IDLE (AGENCY & DEHUMANIZATION)
by Holly | January 5, 2024 | 2013, 2014, Life During | 0 Comments
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My youngest son Tim, aged 11, was in hospital for emergency surgery. Scared, I had many questions. My caseworker had no information. It would be many days before an update.
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Chapter 12: LAST CALL
by Holly | January 7, 2024 | 2014, 2015, Life During | 0 Comments
"Mommy? Do you still love us?" Vivi's little voice sang out across the phone lines. Summer 2014. Timmy, under supervision of Child Protective Services, was in foster care. My heart ached as each month new reports from Social Services arrived documenting their life. "Absolutely I do, Vivi!" I answered, surprised at her question. "I thought so," she mused. "Brian visited and said you didn't love...
Chapter 13: WHERE’S MY SON!?
by Holly | January 9, 2024 | 2015, Life During | 0 Comments
"Come work with me!" Jae urged. "We need another tutor." I shuddered at the thought. "Not a chance," I threw back. Jae was a tutor in Adult Basic Education (A.B.E). It could be argued prison has neighborhoods - UI (the unemployed) its roughest and Education - UI's angry twin. In Minnesota state prison, an inmate's daily freedom is dependent upon employment. If employed your schedule is much your...
Chapter 14: SURPRISED BY JOY
by Holly | January 24, 2024 | 2015, 2016, Life During | 0 Comments
I think of this as the beginning. I was asleep, maybe dead all my life, before 2016. I was 40 years old. "Mom, I'm not sure I believe in God anymore," my oldest son Noel explained on the phone. It was October 2015, and Noel had just turned 21. Trying to remain calm I asked, "Why do you say that?" Noel had gone to a Christian school, living with my parents after I went to prison. They had taken...
Chapter 15: BREAKING BIAS
by Holly | February 4, 2024 | 2016, Life During | 0 Comments
February 2016 and another birthday in prison. When I first arrived to prison it had been March. I'd had an entire year before my first birthday there and I had watched all year, interested as other women celebrated birthdays and tried to make them special. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays, the hardest times in prison. They are typically spent with family and friends, happy, but can be...
Chapter 16: TASTE AND SEE
by Holly | February 11, 2024 | 2016, Life During | 0 Comments
A battle was on the horizon, one I hoped to avoid. In January 2016 I'd received news about my youngest son, Tim, who had been in foster care for 3 years. Social Services was seeking to terminate our parental rights to make Tim more desirable as a potential adoptee, or that's what they said. Tim had a challenging medical condition that if left untreated it could be fatal. After I was incarcerated...
Chapter 17: LOVE & HATE
by Holly | February 26, 2024 | 2016, Life During | 0 Comments
It was April 2016, and I'd spent the past three months trying to find a home in Minnesota for my son Tim. It was not going well. Tim, now age 13, seemed despondent. He'd spent the past 2 and a half years in a slew of foster and group homes in Washington, so many we'd lost count. Tim was desperate to go home. I was hoping to find someone in Minnesota to care for him until I was released from...
Chapter 18: Projecting (Hope): The Journey Through Adversity and Faith
by Holly | March 3, 2024 | 2016, Life During | 0 Comments
“Hi, It’s Holly! How are you?” I was reaching out to every family member, friend and organization I could remember, trying to find a place for Tim to live. It was May 2016 and 13-year-old Tim had been in foster care for a miserable 2 and half years. So far, Timmy had cycled through over 30 foster and group homes. Occasionally Social Services wouldn’t have a home for Timmy at all, and his...
Chapter 19: Meeting Mr. Bot: A Journey of Unexpected Connections and Spiritual Growth
by Holly | March 13, 2024 | 2016, Life During | 0 Comments
At my desk, I finished another letter to my children. Suddenly, movement was called over the P.A. system. I looked over at my clock radio to check the time. It was noon, time to pick up my canteen in the Core building. I did a quick scan of my room, which was clean but not so neat. Unmade bed, papers, pens and envelopes spread across my desk; time had gotten away from me. Movement between...
Chapter 20: “Passing” Summer: Surrendering To Obedience And Experiencing God
by Holly | March 31, 2024 | 2016, Letters, Life During | 0 Comments
“Noel, do you have Tim’s newest phone number?” I asked my oldest son. I was concerned about Tim and felt certain additional support from family and friends would help. “I do,” Noel replied. “I have not called him lately though,” he added. I imagined Noel busy with his work in the Army Reserves as well as his regular job. “Could you call?” I queried. “I think he’s lonely and would love some time...
Chapter 21: Born Bad: Transforming Darkness into Light
by Holly | April 9, 2024 | 2016, Life During | 1 Comment
“I was kicked out of Anthony.” I turned in my chair to see who was speaking. Vikki, one of the ABE students, was talking with the teacher, Ms. Shaibley. It was a Monday afternoon in August 2016 and the school day was nearly over. I’d been reviewing a kite to me from the psych department, their response to my asking for a copy of my records. Facing a trial for my parental rights next month, I...
Chapter 22: Journey Through Betrayal: Faith Tested in the Prison of Family Dysfunction
by Holly | April 26, 2024 | 2016, Life During | 0 Comments
Filing into the prison visiting room with the rest of the ABE students, I found a seat and dropped into it. It was September 2016, and the quarterly education meeting was about to begin. The visiting room furniture had been re-arranged. Now blue plastic chairs faced a projection screen and podium. Students from every class filled the room to receive awards. Mr. Frye, a math teacher, and Ms....
Chapter 23: The Trial: Learning to Trust God
by Holly | May 8, 2024 | 2016, Life During | 0 Comments
Below you will find 2 versions of chapter 23 "The Trial." I would love to hear which version resonates best with you, the reader. Which do you find more powerful, relatable and impactful to you?Standing in the dayroom I stared at the Memo of the Day. I’d read it three times and my heart sank. A prison-wide lockdown was scheduled for next week, the very day of the trial for my parental rights!...
Chapter 24: Christmas and Love
by Holly | May 27, 2024 | 2016, Life During | 0 Comments
“Upper A, upper A, come down for linen exchange,” the PA squawked. In my room, I watched TV and waited for my wing to be called. My linens – bed sheets and towels – sat folded at the end of my bed. Sometimes we received fluffy soft towels and new sheets. Usually, we received thin scratchy towels and bed sheets with stains. I went to bed that night with nicer than normal linens, hoping it was a...
Chapter 25: The Impossible: God can do anything!
by Holly | May 29, 2024 | 2017, Life During | 0 Comments
In January 2017, I was still mourning the absence of Tim in my life. Graciously, God had moved my son Tom to begin speaking to me again. God always moved in the hearts of my children to keep at least one of them in my life. When one disappeared, another arrived again. Without explaining his earlier rejection of me, Tom shared the reason for his newest change of heart. Tom was involved in the...
Chapter 26: Changing Rooms, Changing Lives
by Holly | June 6, 2024 | 2017, Life During | 0 Comments
One afternoon in May 2017 as I sat in the prison dayroom, I noticed my coworker Sylvia being pushed in her wheelchair by her roommate. Sylvia’s hands trembled as she struggled to recall where she was. Her eyes looked lost and confused, searching the room for something familiar. ‘What day is it?’ she whispered; a question that had become all too common. Sylvia, who rarely socialized, began...